We have all gotten hurt in relationships at some point in our life, and many have felt the sting of rejection. This can be from parents, friends, or lovers. As a result, people put up an invisible wall around themselves in order to protect themselves from getting hurt. They completely close off their heart from receiving or giving fully of themselves in relationships.
The question I typically ask my clients is “Have you been hurt when you have had your walls up and not allowed yourself to be fully vulnerable and open to another person?” Invariably, the answer is always “Yes!”
Putting up a wall around yourself isn’t going to stop you from getting hurt. In order to engage in a relationship, there is always the possibility to get hurt. You should actually expect to get hurt. Nothing is guaranteed. The relationship could end, the person could stop loving you, or they could die. Sorry to be so morbid, but the reality is, life is fragile and life is very short.
We have a tendency to seek out in relationships the things we didn’t get growing up in our family system. If dad didn’t show you any love, then you are left with the longing to be loved and accepted and seek that out in every relationship you engage in. When the relationship ends, it affirms your limiting belief that you are not lovable or worthy of love.
Your friend, partner, and even parents aren’t there to validate to you your worth. You are responsible to heal your wounds and recognize you are not your limiting beliefs. You need to value and love yourself, so that you don’t need someone to do that for you. Once you feel those things already about yourself, then you are open to receiving love from someone else freely with no expectations.
What walls actually do is keep people away, and when you are longing to be loved, you are not open to meeting people who are ready, willing, able, and wanting to love you. Of course, it’s going to be scary to let down your walls and start to connect with people authentically, but what you will receive in return will be immeasurable.
Self-acceptance, self-love, and self-worth are what we should be teaching children in school. That they are perfect, lovable, worthy, and deserving exactly as they currently are. Teach them how to love themselves, so they can have self-esteem and self-confidence. Teach them how to accept other people for who they are, and that they don’t need other people to feel whole. Teach them what it means to be respected by other people and have boundaries for how they should be treated. Teach them how to open themselves up to expressing pure unconditional love to everyone they encounter.
If we did this, the world would be a completely different place!
So how do you let down your walls? Heal your wounds and traumas. Recognize your limiting beliefs are not your truth. Love yourself fully and unconditionally. See your value and worth and expect that from others. Set healthy boundaries for how you wish to be treated. Let yourself be vulnerable and open yourself up to sharing all parts of you. Let yourself give unconditional love and compassion to all those around you with no expectations for receiving anything in return. Allow yourself to receive another person’s love back to you. Once you can do these things you will be free from your walls and you will not need validation from anyone else because you will already feel the love your have within yourself.
I hope you get a sledge hammer or some TNT and shatter that wall!
Find out more about being self-acceptance, self-love, and being authentically you in the multi-award-winning book Embodied: How to Connect to Your Body, Ignite Your Intuition, and Harness Universal Energy for Healing.